100 Reasons Why Having Crohn’s is The Best

100 Reasons Why Having Crohn’s is The Best
Stolen from/r/CrohnsDisease

  1. Free cut-sies to the front of any bathroom line.
  2. In case of a fire, you are aware of all exits…and restrooms.
  3. You own an assortment of medical chocolates, creams, and pills. Almost like a candy store.
  4. You sound like a gourmet chef when you tell people you make your own yogurt from scratch.
  5. Small bruises that take a while to disappear just make you look like a badass.
  6. Stress isn’t a word that exists in your vocabulary. And you can giggle at the angry bus driver or disgruntled customer ahead of you in line.
  7. Two hours of relaxation and reading time are required during a Remicade. Go ahead, take off work for the day.
  8. Too cool for blood drives.
  9. During Passover, all of your Jewish friends will happily partake in your gluten-free, wheat-free lasagna and desserts! You can even throw a Passover party.
  10. If someone around you is hungry, you are able to bust out a healthy snack in seconds flat. Like a boss.
  11. Once you’ve had Barium shakes, then real shakes taste like magical heaven and you appreciate them fully!
  12. You can make bets with other IBD friends about how weird your poops will be that day.
  13. If you’re lucky enough to be awake during your flexible sigmoidoscopy, you can see your insides in live, real time! It’s like a TV Show. Of you.
  14. Too cool for fast food.
  15. If “hemorrhoids” is your bad day, then a regular-type bad day is a breeze.
  16. In California and many other states, you can smoke marijuana legally and for free.
  17. Oh, and studies have shown that negative symptoms of your disease are improved by use of said marijuana.
  18. Seminars that should be boring instead consist of discussions about yoga, meditation, cooking, and fun life things.
  19. You look like the healthy one at the table when you order “just fresh fruit” for dessert.
  20. You can leave in the middle of an immensely boring conversation and have a completely legit excuse. “Nature called, urgently.”
  21. You have the knowledge that your disease is named after a dude named Burrill B. And you get to imagine bumble bee with a monocle when you say it.
  22. When you have a flare-up, you never look demon-like or sick. People might even say you be lookin’ fine.
  23. Blood tests are a great excuse to visit your hospital friends/possibly the cast of Scrubs every few months.
  24. Your daily drug probably sounds like it is from the future. Pentasa? Mercaptopurine? Asacol?
  25. You can bond with sisters of sister diseases.
  26. Even when you are having a breakdown and crying, you are likely talking about farts.
  27. You save tons of money by not purchasing processed food and pizza. About 100 dollars a month. Which is the equivalent of a hockey ticket. So having this disease just bought you a free monthly hockey ticket.
  28. You have a greater appreciation for a perfect bumhole, clean tummy pipes, and a perfect poop.
  29. “Flare-ups” sounds like the name of a rock band.
  30. You have enough knowledge of stomach bacteria to write an entire comic book series about Good Bacteria vs. Evil Bacteria.
  31. You have something in common with Mike McCready, the lead guitarist of Pearl Jam.
  32. You have something in common with David Garrard of the Jacksonville Jaguars.
  33. You have something in common with Miss America 1959.
  34. If you’ve had a fear of needles, it has dissipated to the wind.
  35. More reason not to smoke cigarettes!
  36. You can impress your biology friends with vocab like ileum, jejunum, and duodenum.
  37. Once you’ve had a colonoscopy, most other things don’t seem too terrible.
  38. More reason to exercise, walk, sleep normal hours, and take care of yourself!
  39. You can freak out your doctor with stomach X-Rays. Not many things can freak out a doctor.
  40. More reason to meditate and practice yoga!
  41. Be part of the few that can legit live-tweet a Remicade infusion.
  42. You are like a superhero because you have the power to improve your symptoms!
  43. When you start dating someone new, you’ll say you have something important to reveal. They will be relieved to learn that the big thing is a pooping problem, and not that you like to dress as a street ninja and fight crime by night. Although, both would be fun reveals.
  44. You get free reign to leave in the middle of class without a bathroom pass.
  45. You get free reign to continue sitting at times when everyone else stands up.
  46. You’re a cheap date, and likely will not order the twenty dollar beer or the five foot margarita.
  47. When you find someone else with IBD, it’s like finding a fellow Lost Boy from Hook! Hug it out.
  48. You can get out of jury duty by citing, “POOP PROBLEMS” in all caps.
  49. Prednisone attracts all the guys who dig girls with puffy cheeks. Which we all know are the adorable guys who write poetry and play guitar.
  50. There are good odds you have an extra pair of underpants. Which can come in handy for surprise sleepovers, your friend who forgot his/her underpants, or just the knowledge that you carry fun underpants on your person.
  51. You look youthful and spritely, but you have some of the intestinal qualities of an old person. It’s like parts of you can time jump forward and time jump back.
  52. Access to secret employee bathrooms at places like Dollar Tree, where you learn all of the employee secrets. Specifically that their products do not come from trees, only cardboard boxes.
  53. Too cool for pizza parties. You’ll make your own instead. Out of almonds.
  54. The UCB Scholarship program awards scholarships to people with Crohn’s Disease “who demonstrate remarkable academic ambition and a passion to reach beyond the boundaries of their condition.”
  55. Okay. “Gastroenterologist” is a really fun word to say.
  56. Ladies: If you get weird bumps on your legs (Erythema Nodosum), more reason to go shopping for sweet leggings, patterned tights, and colored jeans!
  57. Fissures, fistulas, and abscesses are only dime sized. At least they are not manhole sized.
  58. The word “crony” in the dictionary means “pal, buddy, close companion, chum.”
  59. Since it’s something you deal with daily, you can make up a fun name for your disease, much like a car! Suggestions: Arthur, Old Ronald, or Fanny (appropriately).
  60. You finally have something to talk to Great Uncle George about at family reunions: ulcers.
  61. When you are in search of a gluten free, dairy free treat, you get to go to the special refrigerator or aisle that sits by itself like the Castle in the Air. (Phantom Tollbooth reference, anyone?)
  62. You get to speak in “fire-words” like inflammatory and flare-up.
  63. You have pretty good odds using your disease as a sexy conversation starter at a party. It affects over one million people currently. I repeat, pretty good odds.
  64. You finally have something to talk to your Grandpa Joe about: remembering to take your pills every day.
  65. If you have received Remicade treatment, you can tell people that you have a small part of mouse in you. And you wouldn’t be lying.
  66. Sometimes you can get paid to take a survey or participate in a study.
  67. There are athletic events that exist as part of Team Challenge, designed to help raise money for your disease. People run, cycle, and sprint to help find a cure for all this jazz. How cool!
  68. Not every disease gets its own summer camp. Camp Oasis is just that.
  69. Your disease has its own magazine, Crohn’s Advocate Magazine. And it’s free.
  70. More reason to listen to podcasts!
  71. Whenever you feel like not putting up a fight, you can think of George “The Animal” Steele who was a professional wrestler with Crohn’s Disease, now in the WWE Hall of Fame.
  72. During a CT Scan, you can pretend that you are in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Bonus points if you listen to the theme music on headphones during the procedure.
  73. Hospital time or stuck-in-bed time is just more time to catch up on Game of Thrones. Boom!
  74. Coconut/non dairy ice cream tastes better than regular ice cream anyways.
  75. And soy milkshakes done well are God’s gift to mankind.
  76. Since many details about the cause of Crohn’s Disease are mysterious, you could say Crohn’s is just like Darkwing Duck or a Scooby Doo villain.
  77. You have something in common with an Olympian Carrie Johnson, who won the Kayaking World Cup and placed fifth in the world championships. She was the first US kayaker to qualify for the 2008 Olympics, and the only one to compete in the K1 500 meter race.
  78. If you go for a blood test and nothing goes into the tube, you get plus 10 vampire points.
  79. There is a Crohn’s Disease rap that exists online, to the tune of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song.
  80. You have the only disease that individuals claim to have cured with tree bark and worms. Which is pretty rad.
  81. Crohn’s Disease helps you to say yes to the spontaneity of life.
  82. You have something in common with a Beverly Hills: 90210 actress.
  83. You have something in common with Dwight D. Eisenhower.
  84. Crohn’s Disease helps you to become comfortable being uncomfortable.
  85. More reason to simplify your life.
  86. The bathroom scene in Dumb and Dumber is even funnier to you now.
  87. If you ever have bags on you, they’re not because your arms or legs are enormous. They’re removable ones.
  88. You are forced to listen to your body every moment of the day.
  89. There are annual BBQ’s and events that exist just for you!
  90. More appreciation for the small, sweet things in life.
  91. You learn how to tailor your lifestyle around disease, rather than the other way around.
  92. More reason to drink that glass of red wine after work. Antioxidants, baby.
  93. You have no choice but to say no to the restaurant bread basket.
  94. More motivation to make your own soups, stews, stir fry’s, and adventurous meals.
  95. You learn that what at first seems life ruining can be a positive life-changing blessing.
  96. You can have educated conversations with the Whole Foods cashier about the Paleo Diet.
  97. You will likely receive unique gifts at holidays such as Tai Chi class, toilet paper with dollar bill print, and Poo-Pourri bathroom spray.
  98. You automatically have a fun fact at new job introductions.
  99. You have your own subreddit at Reddit.com/crohnsdisease. Fun memes all day. My favorite is in the middle of this page and is Muppet related: http://www.squidoo.com/crohns-disease-humor-helps
  100. When someone asks you, “What exactly is Crohn’s Disease?” the first words that want to say with a straight face are, “Well…it’s a poop disease.”
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